Little Surrenders

August 1982

By: D. J. | Columbus, Ohio

Through the Seventh Step he realized that we “carry our worlds within ourselves

ABOUT TWO years ago, I made a fortuitous discovery while experiencing a disturbing episode during my recovery. As a result, the Seventh Step became my tool for everyday coping and living. The emotional impact of this happening was like that of finding a new religion–the feelings of exhilaration persisted for several weeks.

Immediately prior to the discovery, I had worked myself into a near frenzy over distressing evidence of my inability to handle my own financial affairs. My income was adequate, and I knew there was no good reason for running out of money. Of course, this was not the first time it had happened. Once more, I had yielded to impulses to buy things, and my expenditures for the month had far exceeded available funds–or, for that matter, prospects for borrowing money to cover the deficit. My carefully laid budget plans had again proved fruitless.

I was very displeased with myself. Feelings of inadequacy rose. I soon began to doubt that I had any ability at all to cope with life. In a matter of hours, I became despondent and almost desperate. At that point, the thought struck me that I had indeed uncovered a serious character defect. I had never seen this problem in quite that light before, and I knew I had better turn to God for help.

I was sitting in a room all by myself. So I fell to my knees–literally, as AA co-founder Dr. Bob always counseled newcomers–and said aloud, “God, help me with this problem, I simply can’t handle it.” It was really a Seventh Step and also a surrender experience. Almost immediately, I felt relief from the intense anxiety that built up within me. My mind began to clear. Soon, new thoughts helped me to extricate myself from the dilemma. Weeks later, I developed techniques to prevent me from again committing serious errors of that sort.

A couple of days after the initial discovery, I paused to consider two surrender experiences of mine during my early days in AA. The first had opened the door to wholehearted acceptance of the AA program, resulting in the disappearance of my craving for alcohol in a matter of hours. The second occurred much later and led to a resolution of a serious inner conflict that had stood in the way of reliable sobriety. I realized that although the recent event had been less crucial than the first two, it was still very important.

Furthermore, I saw that this Step approach could be applied whenever I reached a similar impasse of my own making, whether it be of outer circumstances or inner emotions. Whenever I find myself uptight, I fall on my knees, literally or figuratively–depending on my surroundings–and ask God’s help. It comes easier to me now. In fact, during the past two years, my life has been marked by a series of these “little surrenders.”

As the months have passed and surrender has followed surrender, I have come to a higher insight concerning this application of the Seventh Step. It is this: If I were able to retain the attitude that I achieve during the hours immediately following these crisis experiences, life would be continuously euphoric–I would forever be immersed in the kind of feelings I achieved for only brief periods with alcohol at the beginning. Let’s call it a “surrendered attitude.” It is the avenue to “the peace. . .which passeth all understanding.” I perceived that whatever happens to me is not nearly so important as the way I look at the happening–the way I feel about it. We really do carry our worlds within ourselves.

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