Becoming Aware

May 1979

By: C. W. | Huntington, West Virginia

SERENITY WAS gone, and sobriety threatened to follow. After nearly three years of sobriety in AA, I recently became overwhelmed with physical and emotional problems. Luckily, I was attending a group formed to study the Twelve Steps. I had helped start this group and regarded myself as an old regular who had long since learned how to work the program. Yet here I was overcome by emotions out of control. What had I done wrong, that life was treating me so unfairly?

One night, as I sat listening to others discuss the Fourth Step, I realized that for three years I had been avoiding that Step with all manner of mental acrobatics. I heard someone say that if we had trouble with Step Four, we should look back at Step Three, because it is the door through which we must pass to get to the other Steps.

So I looked at Step Three and for the first time realized its scope. I had turned over just enough of my will and my life to gain sobriety. I had turned over my drinking problem to God, and He had solved it; but most of the other areas of my life were still being run by me–no wonder they were in chaos.

As I tearfully tried to explain this to the group, one man offered to help me clarify my situation. I accepted his offer, and he said, “I am going to ask you six questions, and you must agree to answer them truthfully, either yes or no.” I agreed, and he began: “Do you believe in God?”

I answered, “Yes.”

“Do you believe that God is able to keep you sober?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to be sober?”

“Yes.”

“Do you believe that with God all things are possible?”

“Yes.”

“Do you believe that God is able to keep you happy?”

I squirmed a little as I began to see where this was leading. “I guess He could, if I’d let Him.”

“Just answer yes or no.”

“Yes.”

“Well then, do you want to be happy?”

Long pause. A sheepish “No.”

What an embarrassing discovery! Through my tears, I had to smile at myself. It was so obvious that I had exactly what I wanted–something to be unhappy about. That very night, I began making the necessary decisions to resolve my difficulties. My burdens, which had been more than I could bear, lifted. My serenity was restored.

I could tell you that, since then, I have completed Steps Three and Four. But it’s an honest program. It is not a program of completion but one of progress. My progress comes in fits and starts. I often forget the things I have learned and make the same mistakes again–and have to learn again. But each time, I remember a little longer.

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