Peace of Mind

January 2023

I was 20 years old when I walked back into an AA meeting after a two-year absence. Before I went to that meeting, I had to call a person I had known during the few months I first attended AA meetings in 1972 but didn’t stay sober.

Back then, when I cried for help to the AA answering service in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, I was told that I should call a guy named Sonny and let him know I was ready. Sonny was the first AA person I worked with. He tried to help me, but I wouldn’t listen. Sonny opened his arms but never “babied” me.

Now that I was back in AA, I got back together with Sonny. I apologized to him for not staying sober and I asked him if he’d help me again. “You don’t need to apologize,” he said. Sonny insisted I go with him to 365 meetings the first year, and when I told him I was looking for a sponsor he told me to look no further. He said, “I’m your sponsor.” He insisted that I have one sponsor, one home group, one program of recovery and one God as I understand him.

I followed Sonny around like a puppy. I was so self-absorbed that I had to hold onto him until I began to find a God of my own understanding.

Sonny died about three years later. I was still so self-centered then that before he passed, I asked him, “If you die, what am I going to do?” He told me I had the  basic program and that I’d be OK. Well, I stayed sober, but I wasn’t OK. Five years into the program I still had not had a spiritual awakening.

But then one day I went to an AA retreat for men in the Pittsburgh area. On the first night at the retreat, I met a guy named John. He was a calm person; he had a hard time reading and he was shy. I don’t know how or why we got along because we were so different. The two of us stayed up all night, talking and drinking coffee.

Around 7:00 A.M. I went to my room and began crying. Was it because I was tired? Had something happened? I lay on my bed, crying, until I fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke up. I felt great. I didn’t have any worries. My mind didn’t wander everywhere. I had peace of mind I hadn’t had in a long while. No bolts of lightning, no heavenly music playing, no gold halo, just peace of mind.

When I got home after the weekend I talked to my wife, and she told me I looked so relaxed. And I was. I have been ever since.

That was in 1979. I believe now as I believed then that I didn’t find religion, I found serenity. I found the spiritual awakening everyone was talking about. For me, having serenity is not an absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with conflict without thinking of drinking. I found that if I have peace of mind, I can get through anything.

At times, I wonder how I’ve stayed sober all these years. Then I remember that weekend retreat, staying up all night talking with John and then breaking down and crying and the feeling of peace I had the next morning.

Sonny is gone and I think of him daily. Still, to this day, in difficult situations I often ask myself, What would Sonny do? I found my Higher Power, my spiritual awakening and my God as I understand him. Thank you AA, for giving me peace.

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